What to do in the Case of a Vampire Attack

Scenario:  You are walking the streets at night and a pale individual approaches you and attempts to bite your neck and drink your blood. 

Actions to take:  Because vampires will be physically superior to you, you must fight smart and use your cunning.  Once a vampire has marked you for its meal it will stop at nothing until it has feasted or is defeated.  You must also try to forget some of the media generated myths of vampires.  Some common misconceptions are as follows:

1.        Vampires are not afraid of garlic.  Vampires do dislike the taste of garlic, and if you consume garlic regularly the vampire will dislike the taste of your blood, but will only figure out the distaste after biting you.

2.        You do not need a special stake to run through a vampires heart, any object that can pierce the heart will work.

3.        Vampires do not call baseball games; those are umpires and are unrelated.

4.        Vampires do have reflections.  Just because they break the laws of the living does not mean they can break the laws of physics.

With the misconceptions cleared, you will be in the proper state of mental awareness to battle a vampire.  Now you can begin your self defense by taking the following actions:

1.        Take a defensive stance.  A good defense makes for a good offense, and you must maintain your living status in order to succeed in this encounter.  A good stance under the circumstances would be to hunch your shoulders upward, reducing your amount of open neck.  This will decrease chances of the vampire landing a bite attack.

2.        Sway from side to side.  Jumping back and fourth will not only distract the vampire, but it will also help you evade attacks.  The vampire may become irritated with your movement and hiss wildly, but do not halt your sway.

3.        While swaying, move about to locate a makeshift stake.  The difficulty of this task ranges from simple to complicated; depending on your location, but as long as you keep up with the swaying you should be able to evade the vampire.  Some useful items that can be used as stakes include tailpipes of cars, screwdrivers, stakes, bones, knives, swords, carrots, and sticks.

4.        Pick up located makeshift stake without loosing a step in your sway.

5.        When you are at least two yards away from the vampire stop swaying, cock your head towards your shoulder and start to massage your neck with the hand not holding your makeshift stake.  This action will entice the vampire and the vampire will lung at you hastily.  Use this as your chance to drive the makeshift stake through the unprotected vampire heart.

6.        If done correctly, the vampire will fall to the ground before gnawing your neck.  While the vampire is rolling around on the ground, make sure the stake is driven far enough into the heart to circumvent resurrection. 

7.        Quickly seek sanctuary at the nearest sacred ground or tanning salon.

Do’s:

1.        Try to run you errands during the day to prevent the amount of time you must be outdoors during the night hours.

2.        Stay in crowds while traveling at night.  Vampires tend to prey on those alone as to leave no witnesses.

Don’ts:

1.        Wear turtlenecks.  Eight out of ten vampires surveyed from a large sample population stated they will target a victim wearing a turtleneck on principle alone.

2.         Dress like a vampire unless you are a vampire.  You run the risk of getting a stake thrust into your heart.