What to do in the Case of a Pirate Attack

Scenario:  You are on a boat, or alternative aqueous vehicle, and your vessel is boarded by malcontents.   After boarding, the intruder proceeds to loot, plunder, pillage, rape, maim, slay, or vandalize your being or belongings.  The event is concluded when the intruder recedes to their original vessel and sails off.

Actions to take:  There are two options for actions you may take, bow or battle.  Bowing, allows the pirates to loot your ship but will leave you unharmed, and battling will defend your belongings, but may result in injuries.  In order to determine which option best suites your situation, consider the following questions:

1.        Do your belongings on board hold any significant value, and can they be replaced at a moderate cost?

2.        Are there any weapons or objects that you may convert to a weapon nearby?

3.        Are the pirates armed?

4.        Will you be able to fend off the lot of pirates with the aid of your present company?

5.        Morally; will you be able to kill a pirate?

If the answers towards the questions veer you in the direction of bowing to the pirates, you will oblige the pirates with their request of your goods.  If the following rules are applied you will be left unharmed:

1.        Be polite to your captive.  Pirates are people too and appreciate kind manners and a ‘thank you’ goes a long way.

2.        Do not use swear words at or around the pirates.  A little known fact about pirates is there aversion to swear words.  Their pirate slang is usually misinterpreted as foreign swearing, but in actuality is proper rhetoric.  Infuriation towards foul language stems from pirates natural enemy, the sailor, whom coined the phrase, “to curse like a sailor.”  Pirates refuse to share any common ground with sailors, including, but not limited to, swearing, hygiene, dancing, foreplay, and fighting styles.

3.        Engage in small talk.  Getting to know your captive is the simplest way into their heart.  A pirate left with warm feelings towards you is less likely to run you through. 

If you are unable to bow to the pirate, then you must resort to battling.  The following steps will assure victory in the face of your enemy:

1.        Find a weapon.  This step is key to the success of the battle.  You may want to start off the battle with a blunt object such as a chair leg or an oar, if a sword, cutlass or scimitar is not readily available.

2.        Be selective of your opponents.  Quickly scan the party of pirates and determine the weakest one, and this will be your first target.  Grab your weapon and charge the pirate.  The other pirates will acknowledge your challenge and allow you to face off one on one, under pirate law.  If you have others aboard the ship with you, they may take this opportunity to join in the skirmish.  Common practice amongst those who travel by means of water, is to take along a crew you are willing to sacrifice in case an event of pirate assault may arise.  If at all possible, avoid taking family and friends out to sea with you.

3.        If you are fighting with a bladed weapon, skip to step 4.  With your blunt weapon, swing wildly at the pirate you are engaging in combat.  Pirates tend to prefer short range concealable bladed weapons, such as knives, daggers, or cutlasses and you may use your reach as your advantage.  The wild swinging of your weapon will put the pirate on the defensive, reducing threat of you earning a wound.  Pirates are plagued with a shortened sense of patience and will make careless attempts to stab you while out of range of actually connecting their blow.  After one or two attempts you should learn how the pirate telegraphs their attack, usually with a deep breath or a slanderous comment.  When you expect the next attack, time your own attack to strike the hand of the pirate.  If the pirate fails to drop the weapon, repeat actions until the weapon is dropped.  When the weapon is dropped, pick up the bladed weapon.  Another pirate will more than likely toss your opponent their weapon in order to even the fight.

4.         You are now facing off against a pirate, each armed with a bladed weapon.  All pirates enjoy a blade fight, and are extensively trained from young ages.  Regardless of their body type or age, they will be dexterous, agile and powerful with their weapon, but they will follow the routine they are trained.  Their routine will be as follows: thrust, parry, thrust, thrust, parry, parry, thrust, thrust.  Knowing your opponents next move will allow you to best their practice by engaging in an alternate routine of parry, thrust, parry, parry, thrust, thrust, duck and thrust.  If timed correctly you will be able to pierce the pirate’s abdomen, or preferably, their heart.

5.        Once, you are finished with one fight, immediately challenge another to avoid getting bombarded.  Repeat step 4 through step 5 as necessary until your water vessel is pirate free.

6.        Clear your deck of pirate bodies, either throw them overboard or place them back on their own ship.

Do’s:

1.        Clean up your ship of any pirate bodies as well as blood spilt.  If you return to harbor with a ship covered in blood you will be investigated by the authorities.

2.        Warn others about the dangers of the open seas.

Don’ts:

1.        Take the pirate ship for your own personal cruising.  Opposing pirate ships will fire cannons as ships sailing in their territory with no warning.

2.        Brag.  Bragging or boasting of your escape will implant the idea of adventure into others, and if they are not fully familiar with what to do in the case of a pirate attack, their death with be on your hands.