A Guide to Pirating DVDs

This is not only a guide to help you learn about pirating DVDs, but also build your defenses as to not become a victim of a heinous act.  Pirating is a profession that spans back for centuries, and it has reached a spike in popularity recently with the aid of the media.

The first, decision you must make before your pirating mission is choosing a target.  This is not always an easy choice because there are many different options floating around, each with variously weighed pros and cons.  Some advice for starters is pick a larger DVD distributor, and preferably one overseas; the reason will become more apparent later in this guide.

The next stage to successfully pirating a DVD is the reconnaissance.  You must learn about your target and become familiar with the various options you have if a problem happens to arise; an escape plan if you will.  You must understand that there may be some laws broken and you will be responsible for the penalties if you are captured, this is not like in the movies, this is reality.  Some key bits of information that you may want to find before embarking is, shipping routes, crew size, cargo capacity, cargo weight and other factors that may be unique to your mission.

After the size of your job is determined you must use this information to size a crew for yourself.  This job can not be done alone, but you must include the minimum allowable party to reduce possible tribulations.  Building a crew can sometimes be difficult because of the moral objectivity of most of society; therefore the proper recruiting areas are necessary.  Saloons, crab-shacks, tavern, watering holes, and Walmart’s are the best place to start enlisting.  Keep in mind that impressing is always an option.

Now that you have built a crew, you need a ship that will carry your crew and you’re soon to be cargo, this is where the weight you found earlier is important.  You must be able to carry your plunders while maintaining the high speeds required for the getaway.  There are also some basic supplies needed to equip your crew:  cannons, swords, eye patches, rope, mustaches, hooch, bandanas, citrus fruits, and one parrot will suffice.

Now based on your research of the shipping routes, a date and time must be agreed on which will ensure you intercept the DVD cargo ship en route, but remain at safe distances away from the authorities.  This is why an overseas distributor would be preferred, as others may tend to travel the coast line, which is full equipped with danger to your operation.

The approach, boarding, loading and escape must be executing with minimum casualties, precise accuracy, and speed.  The approach must be gradually from the distance as to not alarm the mark, and then rapidly once your true intentions are revealed by sword waving and shouts.  The cannons which were brought must also be pointed toward the ship in case they are considering valor.  The boarding of the ship must be done via swinging on ropes, from your ship unto theirs; this point can not be stressed enough.  If no rope is used then your pirating mission has already ended a failure.  Once on board you must immediately identify yourself as a pirate and demand to speak to the captain, whom you will score with a minor flesh wound to demand attention.  While you and a few others tally up the captives to ensure they are all accounted for, the rest of your crew can begin loading your loot.  Before you leave you must tie up all the captives except for one, who will be left untied but must be knocked unconscious so that he may untie his mates once he comes to.  You must be civil and humane to not further tarnish the name of your kind.

Upon leaving, an important act now lies in the burning of the DVDs.  You must choose one of the crates of DVDs and set it ablaze and leave it floating near the sacked ship.  This is done for multiple reasons, such as confusing authorities as to your motives, fun, and allowing your victim to be eligible for insurance on damaged goods, once again revisiting the humane aspect of the trade.

Once you have successfully made it back you can enjoy the fact that you have completed a mission and you are now entitled to a pat on the back.  If this was your first mission, then congratulations, you are now officially a pirate, and for those of you that have done this before, keep up the good work.