SHORT STORY: Making the Cut

Sitting and waiting; I am amongst others who are all after the same position.  I size up my competition; they seem like a sharp bunch.  I can’t tell by looking around if they are better or more capable than me for doing the task at hand.  I hope I make the cut.  There is one in the bunch, clear cut, trim, and shear; he would seem like the obvious choice. 

There is also a lefty among us.  Some say they have a different way of doing things, but between you and I, I think we are all the same.  Also, I heard the lefty was a little too snippy at times and has a history of getting caught up at inopportune times.  I will definitely be picked before that one, for sure.  I wonder what they are looking for in their pick.  I know I can do the job, but we can all do the job.  Maybe they judge based on appearance?  I hope I don’t appear too dull.  Maybe size?  Is it illegal to choose based on size?  Well models and lumberjacks need to be a certain build, so I guess not, but this is more of a mundane task.  It should not be based on size.

I could really use this to boost my esteem.  I wish they would just come out, and hand me the papers I need.  That would be glorious.  Here they come; it looks like their mind is made up.  Pass right by me.  I guess I did not make the cut today.  Maybe tomorrow they will need a pair of scissors.

ODE TO ACTION MOVIES: Universal Soldier: The Return

Van Damme is back, for his first ever sequel,
Against super computer SETH, to whom there’s no equal.
SETH turned to evil and killed his creator,
And kidnapped Jean-Claude’s daughter, now he’ll need to save her.
Van Damme pays a visit to the blue haired designer,
And must stand up against, Goldberg’s cheesy one-liners.
Will time run out for Luc Deveraux and his girl,
Or will the universal soldiers, devour the world?

SHORT STORY: Wrinkled

Once plump, now I lay here withering.  Patiently biding my time, patiently awaiting my demise.  I feel the intense sun rays beating down on me as if I were not thirsty enough.  I can tell I am dehydrating, my once reddish skin, now transforming before me into an unfamiliar brown.

This is it.  I heard some describe that your life flashes before you, but that is not the case for me.  I have done nothing worth recalling.  I feel like it was just yesterday I was plucked from my environment, but discarded for unknown reasons, now cursed to shrivel out of existence.  I feel like I am too young.  Hardly a ripened fruit who has yet to spread his seed.  I have no legacy.

In my final moments I have nothing left to live for.  My only solace in life was not knowing what the future may bring.  Now the results are laid out before me, the results are in.  I guess some grapes were destined to be raisins.

ODE TO ACTION MOVIES: Lionheart

Lyon Gaultier got news that his brother is dying,
So he fled South Africa where he was Legionnairing.
To aid his brother; to America he set sail,
With two French Legionnaire’s fresh on his trail.
He arrived in New York, but needed LA
So he fought in a street fight, and boy did it pay.
He fought his way to LA, got there in one piece,
Now he fights to care for his sister-in-law and his niece.
His next fight is against Attila the beast,
Who toys with his opponents, just to say the least.
Will Van Damme manage to save his family this time?
Or get dragged back to Africa? Now this is a bind.

The Snork versus Smurf Relation

The Snorks and the Smurfs are too frequently compared on the same plane, unjustly tainting the meaning of what it is to be Smurf.  This is because very little is revealed about the origin of the Snorks, and many do not know of the horrors and the carnage that surround their history.  One thing is for certain however, these vile little wretches are not to be trusted.

The Snorks spawn from pure evil.  The Snorks are nothing more then Smurfs that were cast into the sea for their wicked ways.  Being convicted of aiding Gargamel in a rampage that took the lives of all but two female Smurfs, the punishment for the crime was a watery grave.  The band was to be thrust into the waters, but their last attack against the Smurfs was to kidnap the remaining females of the clan.  They successfully abducted one, but Smurfette narrowly escaped with her freedom with the bravery of Brainy Smurf.  The evil Smurfs then sunk into the deep waters and with some black magic they were able to transform their bodies to adapt to the new lifestyle.  They also placed the sole responsibility of repopulating their clan to their captured female.  With the physical and environmental change, and their hatred for the land Smurfs, the clan decided it would be best to rename themselves.  After a heated battle and much bloodshed, the name Snorks was agreed upon.  The name derives from Snarling Orcs, which was to strike fear into the hearts of the Smurfs, because it was only a matter of time before they regrouped and made a land attack to finish them off.  Other names which were considered were The Smurf Your Throat Gang, Salty Revenge, and The Hanna Barbarians.

After some time of training, and building an army, the Snork-Smurf war was inevitable.  The Snorks had some clear advantages over the Smurfs, number one being they had secured multiple females into their clutches, making reproduction of warriors quicker then their Smurf counterpart.  The Smurfs however were fighting on their homeland, a land that the Snorks had long since occupied, making it nothing more then a distant memory, plus the land had been highly fortified at Papa Smurfs request after a premonition of the upcoming onslaught.  It is only a matter of time now before the war begins, and unfortunately this war is inevitable, and many will die.  The classic battle of good versus evil, with no room for a happy ending...

FAN MAIL: Deftones

Dear Deftones,

It saddens me to hear of the tragic passing of your bassist Chi Cheng. I had the privilege of seeing him perform live during your tour for White Pony and he truly seemed to just enjoy life. During this show which you played with Incubus at Roseland Ballroom in NYC around November 2000, a fan jumped on stage and grabbed Chi's microphone and started singing along to the song. Unfortunately, this fan turned out not to know all of the words to the song to which Chino Moreno said something to the extent of, if you are going to jump up on stage and grab Chi Cheng's mic, at least learn the words. It was hilarious and Chi just went along with the whole thing; he was truly an asset to the musical world and will be missed.

Teary eyed,
Dan

Deftones at Terminal 5, NYC (March 9, 2013)

Deftones at Terminal 5, NYC (March 9, 2013)

Deftones at Terminal 5, NYC (March 9, 2013)

Deftones at Terminal 5, NYC (March 9, 2013)

SHORT STORY: Shorts Stories

My Humble Beginnings

I was born today; well not necessarily born, but created.  I would say hours of labor, but it seemed relatively quick and simple, as I was made along with many others.  The process was interesting and it tickled a little; at some points they had me in stitches.  I almost felt like I was undergoing acupuncture, but it was more exciting then it was relaxing.

After the whole process, even among all the others I felt isolated.  I could never understand how a pair could feel so along, but I digress.  There I lay, in an uncomfortable stack, for what seemed like days.  It was a dark and dreary warehouse, filled with crates with an assortment of shipping labels, and hardly any windows.

After more days passed I was given a bath in an unusual way, I overheard one of the workers refer to it as stone washing, but despite the name, it was actually quite refreshing.  After the bath I was returned to the warehouse to sit and wait some more.  I am getting use to it, but I was not use to what happened next.  I was collected and brought to a room, presented before a man for inspection.  I am not sure what I was getting inspected for, but I feel violated.  I was poked, pulled, prodded, and hands were shoved in places they don’t belong.  To top it off, when I was done, the inspector put his number in my pocket, as if I was ever going to go back to him; the nerve of some people.

My First Job

After my stay in the warehouse I was given the opportunity to travel.  I boarded a plan to destinations unknown and took to the air.  I feel like I traveled halfway around the world, the flight was so long and there was no in-flight movie.  I just had to sit and wait again, but I am a professional with all the time I spent in the warehouse.

Once I landed, I caught a ride on a truck and headed to the commercial district.  I was in search of a new beginning and all the bright lights and commotion about I was bound to find it.  I am a very realistic individual and know that I do not have too much to offer in the skills department, so I was banking on getting by on my looks alone.  My plan worked perfectly as I was almost immediately picked up and landed a modeling job.  I would pose in windows of stores to attract customers, and sometimes I would hang out with the mannequins to make them appear more lifelike.  I hate to boast, but I was doing a great job, and pretty soon I got a promotion to a spot on the floor.  There I was able to interact with the shoppers themselves.  It was mostly good, except for the occasional visit to the back room where the customers would do unmentionable things to me, but it was all part of the job description.  I knew what I was getting into.

Things were going fine, until one day a new opportunity presented itself to me.  A man came in to my store and was draw towards me.  He gave me the quick look over and picked me right up.  He did not even want to take me into the back room; he just knew I was the one.  He took me to the owners of the store and bartered with them for my services.  I was trying not to eavesdrop into their business, but I do believe money was exchanged for my services.  I left the store that day, never to return as an employee, but from time to time I returned with my new boss.

My New Life 

My new life took some adjusting.  I was use to lots of interaction with different people, but now I sometimes go a few days without seeing anyone, just sitting and waiting amongst the others employed by my boss.  I am not sure what his business is but he only takes one of us out at a time.  Since I have not much to do with my time, I have paid close attention to his habits and have noticed patterns.  I usually get picked to work on the weekends, while those bigger than I usually work on the weekdays.  I am not sure what the reason is for this, but I will try to figure it out.

Another interesting part of my new life is the cleaning.  Every couple of weeks I get hoarded into a vat with some of my co-workers and we are lathered up and rinsed.  Not my ideal situation for hygiene, plus it completely strips me of privacy.  There is also and uneasy aspect to it beside the close proximity to the others, and that is I am sometimes sent to be cleaned with money.  My boss slips money in my pockets and I go to get cleaned, and when I am done, the money is missing.  I hope I am not aiding and abetting a money laundering operation.  I keep telling myself that my boss forgot he gave me the money to hold, but I am not fully convinced.

When I do go out with the boss it is always something new.  I learn so much about life, I go for runs, I go to the movies, and unfortunately I learned of a term called commando.  Last weekend we went out and played football in the park with some others.  It was an aggressive game of full contact tackle, and I think I tore something.  I tried to cover it up so the boss does not think I am weak, but I feel it is very noticeable.

A State of Confusion

The weather was getting colder outside and all the times I have been going out with the boss it is only for a short while and he returns home and takes one of my co-workers instead.  I hope it is not because of my injury.

Then one weekend when I was expecting to join the boss for an outing, he instead took me to another room in the office.  I was with some others in a confined space, but the boss left us in the dark.  We waited for days without seeing him, so we decided that the best thing to do to conserve sanity was to hibernate.

I am not sure how long we slept for, but the boss eventually returned and things got weird.  He grabbed me, along with some others and forced us into body bags.  We may have been asleep, but by no means could we have been mistaken for dead.  He then loaded us into his trunk, in broad daylight, and drove us to some sort of drop off.  Cramming us into even tighter spaces he drove off.  He abandoned us, he abandoned me.  I thought I was doing a good job, I thought we had something special.  I was wrong.

Things took a turn for the worst at that moment for me.  I was again feeling alone, and I could not seem to hold a steady job.  I felt like I was just being used and passed around.  I eventually took to the streets where I because friends with another, a man who also had no family or shelter.  We spent plenty of days together, until he to left me.  I am not sure why, but one day in an alley he just shed me along with my only friendship left.

A Short Lifespan

As I lay there in the alley it was apparent my life was coming to an end.  An article like me only has a reason to live if there is hope that someone will want me again.  In the recent weeks I have undergone too many stresses that have compounded my previous injuries, and I feel like I am fading.  No one will want me now.

As I lay here to pass on I can not help but think about my life up to this point.  Have I lived life to the fullest?  I feel like I have just been used and worn by all those around me.  I feel like I was nothing more that a fashion statement to others, and they would sooner sit on me that take time to get to know me.  But this is the life I was born into.  This was my life.  I have no regrets.

ODE TO ACTION MOVIES: Twins

Together they make unlikely kin
While one is pure, the other one sins
In Search of their mother
Now bonded as brothers
Since then, their lives truly begin

What to do in the Case of a Pirate Attack

Scenario:  You are on a boat, or alternative aqueous vehicle, and your vessel is boarded by malcontents.   After boarding, the intruder proceeds to loot, plunder, pillage, rape, maim, slay, or vandalize your being or belongings.  The event is concluded when the intruder recedes to their original vessel and sails off.

Actions to take:  There are two options for actions you may take, bow or battle.  Bowing, allows the pirates to loot your ship but will leave you unharmed, and battling will defend your belongings, but may result in injuries.  In order to determine which option best suites your situation, consider the following questions:

1.        Do your belongings on board hold any significant value, and can they be replaced at a moderate cost?

2.        Are there any weapons or objects that you may convert to a weapon nearby?

3.        Are the pirates armed?

4.        Will you be able to fend off the lot of pirates with the aid of your present company?

5.        Morally; will you be able to kill a pirate?

If the answers towards the questions veer you in the direction of bowing to the pirates, you will oblige the pirates with their request of your goods.  If the following rules are applied you will be left unharmed:

1.        Be polite to your captive.  Pirates are people too and appreciate kind manners and a ‘thank you’ goes a long way.

2.        Do not use swear words at or around the pirates.  A little known fact about pirates is there aversion to swear words.  Their pirate slang is usually misinterpreted as foreign swearing, but in actuality is proper rhetoric.  Infuriation towards foul language stems from pirates natural enemy, the sailor, whom coined the phrase, “to curse like a sailor.”  Pirates refuse to share any common ground with sailors, including, but not limited to, swearing, hygiene, dancing, foreplay, and fighting styles.

3.        Engage in small talk.  Getting to know your captive is the simplest way into their heart.  A pirate left with warm feelings towards you is less likely to run you through. 

If you are unable to bow to the pirate, then you must resort to battling.  The following steps will assure victory in the face of your enemy:

1.        Find a weapon.  This step is key to the success of the battle.  You may want to start off the battle with a blunt object such as a chair leg or an oar, if a sword, cutlass or scimitar is not readily available.

2.        Be selective of your opponents.  Quickly scan the party of pirates and determine the weakest one, and this will be your first target.  Grab your weapon and charge the pirate.  The other pirates will acknowledge your challenge and allow you to face off one on one, under pirate law.  If you have others aboard the ship with you, they may take this opportunity to join in the skirmish.  Common practice amongst those who travel by means of water, is to take along a crew you are willing to sacrifice in case an event of pirate assault may arise.  If at all possible, avoid taking family and friends out to sea with you.

3.        If you are fighting with a bladed weapon, skip to step 4.  With your blunt weapon, swing wildly at the pirate you are engaging in combat.  Pirates tend to prefer short range concealable bladed weapons, such as knives, daggers, or cutlasses and you may use your reach as your advantage.  The wild swinging of your weapon will put the pirate on the defensive, reducing threat of you earning a wound.  Pirates are plagued with a shortened sense of patience and will make careless attempts to stab you while out of range of actually connecting their blow.  After one or two attempts you should learn how the pirate telegraphs their attack, usually with a deep breath or a slanderous comment.  When you expect the next attack, time your own attack to strike the hand of the pirate.  If the pirate fails to drop the weapon, repeat actions until the weapon is dropped.  When the weapon is dropped, pick up the bladed weapon.  Another pirate will more than likely toss your opponent their weapon in order to even the fight.

4.         You are now facing off against a pirate, each armed with a bladed weapon.  All pirates enjoy a blade fight, and are extensively trained from young ages.  Regardless of their body type or age, they will be dexterous, agile and powerful with their weapon, but they will follow the routine they are trained.  Their routine will be as follows: thrust, parry, thrust, thrust, parry, parry, thrust, thrust.  Knowing your opponents next move will allow you to best their practice by engaging in an alternate routine of parry, thrust, parry, parry, thrust, thrust, duck and thrust.  If timed correctly you will be able to pierce the pirate’s abdomen, or preferably, their heart.

5.        Once, you are finished with one fight, immediately challenge another to avoid getting bombarded.  Repeat step 4 through step 5 as necessary until your water vessel is pirate free.

6.        Clear your deck of pirate bodies, either throw them overboard or place them back on their own ship.

Do’s:

1.        Clean up your ship of any pirate bodies as well as blood spilt.  If you return to harbor with a ship covered in blood you will be investigated by the authorities.

2.        Warn others about the dangers of the open seas.

Don’ts:

1.        Take the pirate ship for your own personal cruising.  Opposing pirate ships will fire cannons as ships sailing in their territory with no warning.

2.        Brag.  Bragging or boasting of your escape will implant the idea of adventure into others, and if they are not fully familiar with what to do in the case of a pirate attack, their death with be on your hands.

A Guide to Pirating DVDs

This is not only a guide to help you learn about pirating DVDs, but also build your defenses as to not become a victim of a heinous act.  Pirating is a profession that spans back for centuries, and it has reached a spike in popularity recently with the aid of the media.

The first, decision you must make before your pirating mission is choosing a target.  This is not always an easy choice because there are many different options floating around, each with variously weighed pros and cons.  Some advice for starters is pick a larger DVD distributor, and preferably one overseas; the reason will become more apparent later in this guide.

The next stage to successfully pirating a DVD is the reconnaissance.  You must learn about your target and become familiar with the various options you have if a problem happens to arise; an escape plan if you will.  You must understand that there may be some laws broken and you will be responsible for the penalties if you are captured, this is not like in the movies, this is reality.  Some key bits of information that you may want to find before embarking is, shipping routes, crew size, cargo capacity, cargo weight and other factors that may be unique to your mission.

After the size of your job is determined you must use this information to size a crew for yourself.  This job can not be done alone, but you must include the minimum allowable party to reduce possible tribulations.  Building a crew can sometimes be difficult because of the moral objectivity of most of society; therefore the proper recruiting areas are necessary.  Saloons, crab-shacks, tavern, watering holes, and Walmart’s are the best place to start enlisting.  Keep in mind that impressing is always an option.

Now that you have built a crew, you need a ship that will carry your crew and you’re soon to be cargo, this is where the weight you found earlier is important.  You must be able to carry your plunders while maintaining the high speeds required for the getaway.  There are also some basic supplies needed to equip your crew:  cannons, swords, eye patches, rope, mustaches, hooch, bandanas, citrus fruits, and one parrot will suffice.

Now based on your research of the shipping routes, a date and time must be agreed on which will ensure you intercept the DVD cargo ship en route, but remain at safe distances away from the authorities.  This is why an overseas distributor would be preferred, as others may tend to travel the coast line, which is full equipped with danger to your operation.

The approach, boarding, loading and escape must be executing with minimum casualties, precise accuracy, and speed.  The approach must be gradually from the distance as to not alarm the mark, and then rapidly once your true intentions are revealed by sword waving and shouts.  The cannons which were brought must also be pointed toward the ship in case they are considering valor.  The boarding of the ship must be done via swinging on ropes, from your ship unto theirs; this point can not be stressed enough.  If no rope is used then your pirating mission has already ended a failure.  Once on board you must immediately identify yourself as a pirate and demand to speak to the captain, whom you will score with a minor flesh wound to demand attention.  While you and a few others tally up the captives to ensure they are all accounted for, the rest of your crew can begin loading your loot.  Before you leave you must tie up all the captives except for one, who will be left untied but must be knocked unconscious so that he may untie his mates once he comes to.  You must be civil and humane to not further tarnish the name of your kind.

Upon leaving, an important act now lies in the burning of the DVDs.  You must choose one of the crates of DVDs and set it ablaze and leave it floating near the sacked ship.  This is done for multiple reasons, such as confusing authorities as to your motives, fun, and allowing your victim to be eligible for insurance on damaged goods, once again revisiting the humane aspect of the trade.

Once you have successfully made it back you can enjoy the fact that you have completed a mission and you are now entitled to a pat on the back.  If this was your first mission, then congratulations, you are now officially a pirate, and for those of you that have done this before, keep up the good work.

A Little Nostalgia: Hulk Hogan and Impact Wrestling

 Any child with a decent childhood has an emotion tie to certain wrestlers, even if some people are too cool to admit it. I was a child of the 80's so Hulk Hogan is by far the biggest icon of my Saturday wrestling watching, and watching Wrestlemania, Royal Rumble, and Survivor Series, and when I found out he was going to be blessing Westbury Music Fair (NYCB Theatre at Westbury) in Westbury, NY as part of the TNA Impact Wrestling Event, I rounded up my brothers and I jumped on board.

I was hooting and I was hollering, and I was brought back to a time when life was simple and awesome, as Hulk Hogan, Sting, Jeff Hardy, Samoa Joe, the Dudley Boyz, and Kurt Angle all took to the squared circle.

Kurt Angle wins (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

Hulk Hogan takes a listen (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

Hulk Hogan and his epic mustache (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

Hulk Hogan and Jeff Hardy (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

Good 'ole No Holds Barred (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

Samoa Joe (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

Sting Takes a break from the Police (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

Jeff Hardy (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

Jeff Hardy and Sting about to defeat the Dudley Boyz, aka Aces & Eights (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

A Little Bit of Table Goes a Long Way (April 5, 2013 at Westbury, NY)

SHORT STORY: Blog to the Future - Part II

I have spent a little more time in your present since I last blogged and I am starting to adjust.  For those who may not know, allow me to summarize.  I have time traveled from the future as a fugitive, and have hijacked a blog to educate the world.  I have no interest in changing the future, because it is a significant improvement over what you are living now, but I will give you something to look forward to.

First off, I want to shoot down a myth.  There are no flying cars, or hover cars.  I have seen many cinematic recordings and they all portray the future inhabitants driving mini spaceships and flying about.  This is ridiculous.  In the future we do have vehicles that fly; they are called planes, and intergalactic space capsules.  Not cars.  Sure we would have the technology to create a flying car but it would not be economical.  First off, the energy used to keep the craft hovering, far out weighs the energy required to overcome surface friction.  Secondly, trafficking airways is easier said than done.  Imagine how lost one could become with no roadway infrastructure or signs to follow.  I would image the death count for stalling over bodies of water would be higher than the death toll from Sklixbar attacks.

I have also noticed that overpopulation seems to be an issue.  Apparently the Ignorance is Punishable by Death Act has not been initiate.  Just wait, the world will become a much more tolerable place to live.  It is also much colder than I am use to.  I overheard some talking about the threat of global warming, so I assume it has not happened yet.  Where I am from we welcomed the warming with open arms, and embraced the permanent shorts weather.  As I have mentioned earlier, humans are no longer dependant on fossil fuels, which has steadied off the planetary temperature increases.  The shift in energy suppliers shifted to a bovine byproduct, and as a result, the oil tycoons which once ran the government were replaced, by an equally greedy and corrupt type of tycoon.  Since the temperatures were elevated, and since cows were highly regarded as the most useful creature on the planet, the ice-cream conglomerates sunk their claws into most legislation.  They controlled market pricings, bought out and crushed the frozen yogurt market, and removed gummi-bears from the protected species list.

I once again leave you with a thought to consider.  I overheard a man claiming to be tired as he muttered, I bearly slept last night.  This confused me because, at least from what I remember of their species, bear sleep very well.  They hibernate through seasons and presumably are well rested.  Perhaps this is a idiom of sorts with convoluted origins, but I proposed the saying be altered to address a more finicky sleeper.  Perhaps a feline or a rodent.  I cattily slept last night, or I mousily slept last night.

-Commander Alba Tross

ODE TO ACTION MOVIES: Timecop

Max Walker’s a cop, of present and past,
He had a married life, that wasn’t destined to last.
His wife was murdered in the midst of a storm,
10 years later the hope of saving her is born.
Walker uncovers a politician’s presidential ploy,
Chased into the past Max is overcome with joy.
He meets his wife Melissa again and vows to change her demise,
Along with catch Senator McComb, whom he’s grown to despise.
Van Damme must be wise with all he will face,
And remember that no one can occupy their own space.

CD INTERVIEW: Nonpoint's Self Titled Album

To kickoff my CD interview series, I decided to start with one of the new great additions to my music collect, Nonpoint's self titled and seventh studio album, which happens to be one of their finest contributions to the industry.

Dan: I want to start right off by saying that you are the best album of 2012, and there were some pretty strong contenders like the long awaited new Soundgarden album.

Nonpoint CD: Well thank you, that really means a lot to me. It is an honor to be so well received from fans both new and old.

Dan: So you are the seventh born from Nonpoint, it must be tough to get attention in a family that large. How do you get along with your brothers?

Nonpoint CD: Well, I want to state for the record, that my older brothers rock, and are really supportive of my emergence into the world. At first, I was kinda intimidated by how awesome they were and I just wanted to live up to their standards, but then I was like, you know what, I do not want to live in anyones shadows, so I started to shine on my own, and I think the listeners can agree I stand on my own.

Dan: I certainly agree you shine all by your lonesome. Talking about your brothers, I understand you do not share the same parents?

Nonpoint CD: Well, we share some of the same parents, two to be specific, Elias and Robb, so we are really two-fifth brothers, but we treat each other like the real deal. And my other parents, the new ones to the gang, Rasheed, Dave, and Adam, have been great stepparents to the others; really embraced the songs and rock them like no other, so we are a really comprehensive family now.

Dan: So how do your parents get along?

Nonpoint CD: They get along really great. They are together so often that it is really important that they like each other. In fact, they are trying to fund raise to stay on the road so they would not go through that effort if they did not like each other’s company. Tell me, is this interview going to be featured online?

Dan: Yes, why?

Nonpoint CD: In that case, readers can CLICK HERE to contribute to their campaign to raise money for their tour. Sorry for the shameless plug, but with each donation you can get some pretty cool and unique things like acoustic recordings, and shirts, and personal performances.

Dan: That sounds great, I actually already made my contribution and am eagerly awaiting my spoils, and even if all someone can spare is enough for the acoustic songs, I still think it is worth their time and money. But, now I am thinking about you in the whole tour picture, I assume you do not go on the road with them.

Nonpoint CD: No, I do not, I get to stay home and make sure all is well at home base.

Dan: Since you are still kinda young, does that make you a latchkey kid or something like that?

Nonpoint CD: No, not at all. CDs do not age the same way humans do, so I am good to hold my own, and I am hardcore like that.

Dan: So you like when your parents are gone?

Nonpoint CD: Don’t get me wrong, I love the guys, and I cannot wait for them to come home and work on a new sibling for me, but it is also great when they are gone. I get to eat all the box mac and cheese I want.

Dan: Do you have a favorite track on you?

Nonpoint CD: It’s really hard to say. They all make up who I am; it’s like me asking you what’s your favorite organ in you.

Dan: Good point. But, I guess I can have a favorite track on you right? For me, it is “Lights, Camera, Action”. It has such raw energy and it opens up the CD and lets listeners in on what to expect.

Nonpoint CD: Yea, that is a good one, and I guess if we are exchanging compliments; I like your spleen.

Dan: Thanks, it filters my blood pretty good. Can we talk about your name?

Nonpoint CD: I don’t see why not.

Dan: You are Nonpoint’s self titled CD, yet you are their seventh studio album; does this put any pressure on you, or does it place any undue resentment on your from the other albums?

Nonpoint CD: Not to take anything away from my siblings, but it’s like a long line of father’s naming their sons John, and this went on for let’s say ten generations. Then this one John has one kid, but names him Chad or something, now everyone thinks he broke the chain, but he was just waiting. He then has five more sons, and they get names from Billy to Jacob, but no John. Then lucky number seven comes along, and the father knew that this was the one. He knew that this one was right and that it deserved to carry his namesake, thus he named it John, and thus I am named Nonpoint.

Dan: A great analogy. Now let’s end with some levity. If you could have lunch with any celebrity, who would it be and…

Nonpoint CD: Taylor Lautner.

Dan: Wow, that was quick, care to elaborate?

Nonpoint CD: No.

Dan: Fair enough. Well, that raps it up. Thank you for your time, and thank you for being so awesome. I will hear you when I get into my car later today.

What to do in the Case of a Vampire Attack

Scenario:  You are walking the streets at night and a pale individual approaches you and attempts to bite your neck and drink your blood. 

Actions to take:  Because vampires will be physically superior to you, you must fight smart and use your cunning.  Once a vampire has marked you for its meal it will stop at nothing until it has feasted or is defeated.  You must also try to forget some of the media generated myths of vampires.  Some common misconceptions are as follows:

1.        Vampires are not afraid of garlic.  Vampires do dislike the taste of garlic, and if you consume garlic regularly the vampire will dislike the taste of your blood, but will only figure out the distaste after biting you.

2.        You do not need a special stake to run through a vampires heart, any object that can pierce the heart will work.

3.        Vampires do not call baseball games; those are umpires and are unrelated.

4.        Vampires do have reflections.  Just because they break the laws of the living does not mean they can break the laws of physics.

With the misconceptions cleared, you will be in the proper state of mental awareness to battle a vampire.  Now you can begin your self defense by taking the following actions:

1.        Take a defensive stance.  A good defense makes for a good offense, and you must maintain your living status in order to succeed in this encounter.  A good stance under the circumstances would be to hunch your shoulders upward, reducing your amount of open neck.  This will decrease chances of the vampire landing a bite attack.

2.        Sway from side to side.  Jumping back and fourth will not only distract the vampire, but it will also help you evade attacks.  The vampire may become irritated with your movement and hiss wildly, but do not halt your sway.

3.        While swaying, move about to locate a makeshift stake.  The difficulty of this task ranges from simple to complicated; depending on your location, but as long as you keep up with the swaying you should be able to evade the vampire.  Some useful items that can be used as stakes include tailpipes of cars, screwdrivers, stakes, bones, knives, swords, carrots, and sticks.

4.        Pick up located makeshift stake without loosing a step in your sway.

5.        When you are at least two yards away from the vampire stop swaying, cock your head towards your shoulder and start to massage your neck with the hand not holding your makeshift stake.  This action will entice the vampire and the vampire will lung at you hastily.  Use this as your chance to drive the makeshift stake through the unprotected vampire heart.

6.        If done correctly, the vampire will fall to the ground before gnawing your neck.  While the vampire is rolling around on the ground, make sure the stake is driven far enough into the heart to circumvent resurrection. 

7.        Quickly seek sanctuary at the nearest sacred ground or tanning salon.

Do’s:

1.        Try to run you errands during the day to prevent the amount of time you must be outdoors during the night hours.

2.        Stay in crowds while traveling at night.  Vampires tend to prey on those alone as to leave no witnesses.

Don’ts:

1.        Wear turtlenecks.  Eight out of ten vampires surveyed from a large sample population stated they will target a victim wearing a turtleneck on principle alone.

2.         Dress like a vampire unless you are a vampire.  You run the risk of getting a stake thrust into your heart.