HAIKUS: Avengers - Nick Fury and The Hulk

They assemble in cartoon and haiku form!

ODE TO ACTION MOVIES: In Hell

A life fell apart for Kyle LeBlanc.
A life left in prison when spirits are sunk.
His wife was murdered coldly and the perp walked in court,
So Van Damme murdered back, with moves from Bloodsport.
Now he rests all his nights sleeping in a cell,
He now knows what it means to be truly In Hell.
Unfortunately for him, there are no shining lights,
As the warden in jail forces him into fights.
LaBlanc rises quickly, privileged in a way,
But once refusing to fight, isolated all day.
Jean-Claude currently has one of two choices to make,
Keep battling for life, or stop for inner peace sake.

ODE TO ACTION MOVIES: Bloodsport

Van Damme is clearing house the Frank Dux way,
In the greatest movie ever about the Kumite.
It is an action extraordinaire galore,
With roundhouses, splits, crotch punches and more.
Fueled by desire at his lifelong quest,
He must prove to Tanaka that he is the best.
This tournament is for the fighting elite,
And being victor would be quite the feat.
With woman Janice and his brute friend Ray,
He shows Hong Kong why it’s A O.K. USA.

ODE TO ACTION MOVIES: Universal Soldier

Luc and Scott were soldiers, who killed each other in Nam,
Then science pulled through and made them much more then man
Artificially revived, stronger, smarter and fast.
But problems arise, when they remember their past.
Van Damme must save the day, which is not a shocker,
But Dolph sad to say, is just off his rocker.
Maniacal madness and sinister sneers,
Sporting his bling, decorated with ears.
An epic battle ensues, the action will spike,
Will Jean-Claude and Rocky share something alike?

AMBIGRAM: Takei Inspired Equality

Who isn't inspired by George Takei and his advocacy for Equality? It is only fitting that he gets his own Takei / Pride Ambigram.

ODE TO ACTION MOVIES: Death Warrant

An action adventure unlike any other,
Detective Burke goes to prison, but just undercover.
Investigating murders occurring in jail,
Fighting off convicts trying to sodomize his tail.

Befriending The Priest who is rather freaky,
And a one eyed inmate who sounds like Rafiki.
See Van Damme in one of his best,
See if he will put the Sandman to rest.

Bucktoothed Vampires

Tom Cruise may be a Top Gun and a Scientologist, but he is also one hell of a bucktoothed vampire.

Lestat from Interview with a Vampire

He will fix those teeth for better, or for Norse.

Eric from True Blood

A little goofy and a lot of doofy, Franklin has trouble feasting on delicious necks because those damn incisors keep getting in the way.

Franklin from True Blood

Dar hur hur.

Jessica from True Blood

We all know that if Nicolas Cage were a vampire (which I am still not convinced he is not...why would a mortal owe back taxes on a dinosaur skull?) that he would be the goofiest vampire of them all. That is of course unless they did a Con Air with vampires, which would make for the best movie of all times!

Peter Loew from Vampire's Kiss

Severus Package

HAIKUS: Batman- Penguin and Joker

Why is it that Batman gets all the ingeniously crazy villains? Well, regardless of what the reason is, we all can still enjoy some cartoons and haikus inspired by their dastardly devices.

PALINDROME POEM: The PalinPoem

Procedure rap stasis ad absorbs,
Garbs drab embalm lap,
An aloof pirates no yar,
Cedar gnome loud flog,

Dwelt fight rig night rig slight rig gnarl right rig
Snap snip snit smug snug snub stun stew step stab star

Laminar at a sash,
Prom flower are elfin arise its space,
Not symbolic rash,
A one vast angle nap,
To tsunami,

A mammal gets a hit,
I pawn a flag at agreed dam,

Spit stop,
No I knot I knit I know I knob,
Ion pots tips

Dorm raw speed animals,
Net foot reel dirt up net,

Torn is sass assassin,
Rotten putrid leer to,
Often slam in a deep swarm rod,

Spit stop,
No I bonk I wonk I tink I tonk,
Ion pots tips

Mad deer gat a gal fan,
Wapiti haste glam mama,

I man us tot,
Panel gnat save Noah's arc,
I lob my stone caps sties,

I ran I flee,
Rare wolf morphs as a tar animal,

Rats bats pets wets nuts buns guns gums tins pins pans,
Girth girl rang girth gils girth gin girth gift lewd,

Golf duo lemon grade crayon,
Set a rip fool, a napalm lab me,
Bards brags bros bad,
A sis at spare rude corp

PALINDROME POEM: Dew Wed

Bob wed Deb
Deb deep debt
Simple help
Mist bed
Peed bed
Bed dew Bob

Dan and the Banocanut

All over the internet my name can be found alongside the name 'Banocanut' and for those curious of how my name and the name of this hybrid fruit became synonymous, here is the tale...

The Origins and The Banocanut

The being that is the Banocanut has a remarkable story of how if came to be.  Way back when, in the times of just banana's and just coconuts, there was a banana, and a coconut.  Each lived separate lives, not aware of each others existence.  The banana was a singular, plain fruit, with nothing special about it.  It did not stand out in a bunch, nor did it have any aspirations.  The coconut was a recluse vagabond, rolling from beach to beach in search of good times.

One fateful evening, during a harsh storm, the coconut sought refuge in what looked to be an abandoned cave.  Meanwhile, up on a tree, a hungry cantaloupe braved the weather, climbed a tree, and plucked the banana form his home.  The cantaloupe then dragged the kidnapped banana back to the cave where the coconut just so happened to be resting.  The malicious melon intended to devour the banana, snarled its fangs.  Witnessing the display from the shadows, the coconut came to the banana’s rescue and lunged himself at the cantaloupe.  The two skirmished, until one of the fruits laid slain.  The coconut was the victor, but did not do so without taking nearly fatal wounds.

The banana, eternally grateful vowed to restore the coconut to health and carried it into the storm.  The banana traveled the two of them for miles up a mountain, where he knew a mystic who could mend the coconuts ailments.  Upon reaching the top, as destiny beholds, the two were struck down by the awesome power of electricity that is lightening.  As the two burnt, they because fused together, and emerged as one ever powerful entity.  Thus was the birth of the Banocanut.

Since then, the Banocanut has traveled many worlds spreading tales of wonder and joy.  As the tale is told, the Banocanut is no longer in existence, but did not die.  It merely faded off into the backgrounds of history and became a powerful idea.  It laid dormant until one day a young engineer by the name of Dan stumbled into a well.  In the well, Dan called out for whoever could help him, but no one answered, no one, except the Banocanut.  The Banocanut materialized in front of the humans eyes and astounded, the Banocanut lifted Dan to safety.  Thankful, Dan opened up his mind and allowed the Banocanut to enter his brain, making itself a permanent resident.  To this day the three of them work in wonderment providing spiritual guidance to all who seek it.

Fighting Poverty

Poverty is a growing problem in the world and it is the civic responsibility to put an end to it once and for all before it is too late.  This growing problem strikes fear into the hearts of the wealthy, and slowly consumes those in the middle class.  Evidence of the problem roams the streets, with Poverty’s legion of rouge wanders…the homeless.  That is where Poverty’s true power lies, within the hearts of the millions of hobo inhabitants of our cities.  It is with this knowledge that we can actually stand up to fight against Poverty, but disarming its minions, we will leave it vulnerable for the final blow.

We must destroy the homeless.  We must band together with pride in our wallets and strip them of the only thing they have left.  This quest is not a walk in the park however, because they currently claim rights to that land.  We must be well armed and properly vaccinated to reduce threat of disease.  Studies performed by scientists and doctors alike have all ended with the same conclusion; the most effective weapon against the homeless are lasers.  A high powered light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation forceful enough to cut the bums in half like melted butter will prove useful.  These coherent beams of photons will be our closest allied, but the destitute have also become armed over the years.  Their weapons are slightly less sophisticated, but nonetheless dangerous.  We must be weary of homeless weapons such as change cups, boxes, shopping carts, and rocket-propelled grenades.

Another factor that must be considered when fighting the homeless is they are all vampires.  Most wealthy vampires prey on the street homeless when their feeding time arises, thus building a band of vampiric battling bums.  The homeless are not as easily defeated as the common vampire however.  Garlic has no effect on them because the aroma of garlic is overpowered by the stench of their being.  Steaks also have no effect, because most homeless have no hearts.  Holy water does work however, as does any water.  Water splashed on the homeless reveals their true selves as it washes away their mask of filth.  This almost immediately transforms them into a right thinking individual again.  It is at this moment to strike them with the laser.

Half eaten sandwiches must also be in full supply when the battle ensues.  The half eaten sandwiches will be tossed at the homeless to cause diversions allowing time for attack and regroup.  The homeless may not be picky about what they eat, but full sandwiches must not be used.  The homeless are wise to many tricks, they are survivors, and if they see a full sandwich thrown at them they will know it’s a trap and fill with rage at the thought of wasted food.  This can be a devastating blow to our forces, because a hungry enraged homeless fighter delivers 47% more damage with each strike.

Once the homeless forces have been reduced, the Poverty power will drop to unimaginable levels, revealing an opportune chance to strike.  If this chance is missed it could mean total devastation to all.  The strike to Poverty must be precise.  Once its heart is revealed a single slice of Swiss Cheese must be laid out in the sun for 3 hours and then placed on the palm of the left hand of Poverty.  This will cause Poverty to transform into Povomitron the Destroyer of the Stars.  Many of our forces will abandon the cause at the site of Povomitron, but we only need a select few to carry out the remainder of the mission.  We must politely say the following words…”Povomitron, Destroyer of the Stars, in our time we have seem plight and plague, please leave us be and take Morgan Freeman as a peace offering.”  No being would be able to refuse that offer, hence saving the world as we know it from Poverty once and for all.

*Disclaimer – no homeless were harmed in the writing of this.  The homeless are human beings, and they don’t have any homes.

SHORT STORY: The Shampoo Debacle

Chester looked at his long and luscious locks of blonde in the mirror, as was his usual ritual when faced with the passing of anything reflective. A true Adonis, he thought to himself and smiled, but after a long day of tennis against the partners, his pride and joy seemed slightly more greased than his liking would allow. Chester ached for a thorough wash, rinse, repeat cycle, although he knew Penelope, his model of a wife and greatest trophy to be held, liked him a little rugged, manly, and greasy; just natural instincts and rules of attraction.

Regardless of his wife’s wants and desires, this oily buildup on his fabulous follicles was simply unacceptable and to push the envelope of the cleanse even closer to the edge, Penelope had picked up, at his request, a special shampoo to add some extra bounce to his hair, which he was convinced was thinning due to the natural progression of aging.

Chester prepared himself for his shower by fetching his new cleanser, placing his robe snuggly around his well maintained figure, and distributing rose petals generously about the polished tiles leading up to the tub. Chester followed the flowery path he laid, then reached in and set the water temperature to his desired level, and waited a moment for his wish to be achieved. With a simple hand test Chester confirmed that the water was to his liking and he stepped out of his satin garment and into the waterfall.

Chester’s normal hygiene activities under the rushing and calming waters of the shower included body, hair, and face, in that order, but today he was unable to contain his excitement for his new product and bumped hair to the top of the order. Squeezing a generous helping into his hand and lathering with his other, as per the instructions, the sudsy foam was ready to apply. Chester’s hands ran through his soaked strands and he massaged his scalp; upon feeling the tingling sensation brought on by the shampoo, Chester deemed that whatever price Penelope paid to be well worth it.

Chester closed his eyes and let the relaxation of it all become him as he felt the tingling drop down his neck and fall over his shoulders. Odd, he thought, there should be no tingling there as he made daily efforts to ensure no unsightly body hair covered any part of him other than his golden treasure atop his head, but the tingling persisted and continued its downward journey.

Chester stepped back in utter shock and nearly slipped out of the basin when this dripping reached his thigh and took an unexpected u-turn; it was now going north and appeared to have a mind all it’s own; a mind with intentions. Chester spun around without thinking, mimicking a dog chasing its own tail, and then once he gave it the proper seconds thought, turned just his neck to investigate what was happening; all the while in hysterics. The suds of the shampoo were popping and reforming violently like a ferociously clean blob, and these bubbles were indeed traveling.

Chester let out a yelp of shock as he identified the shampoo’s clear path; his firm buttocks. His eyes went wild in a panic as he had no plan of action; how could he have a plan? Who plans for this scenario? It was becoming more forceful and demanding and Chester retook to spinning around haphazardly searching for something, anything to help him from being violated; then it hit him. A droplet of water from the spray struck his back and caressed down his curves until it met with the suds, causing them to retreat immediately. Of course, wash it off, he snapped and then put his plan into action right quick, washing away the shame of the shower, just as the bathroom door swung open; allowing the steam a chance to taste freedom.

“Chester?” Penelope called in with worry in her voice. “I heard you cry out in terror.”

“The shampoo,” Chester clamored for the words as he dropped out of the shower and curled up on the floor, sopping wet, and with his prized hair matted to his head. “It was trying to…trying to…”

“To what?” Penelope asked with a growing concern.

“It seemed alive,” Chester stared off blankly at the wall and his voice trailed off before turning his gaze to his wife. “This wasn’t the volumizing shampoo I asked for; was it?”

“Oh volumizing,” Penelope let her jaw drop in surprise riddled with embarrassment. “I thought you asked for sodomizing.”

HAIKUS: Staw Wars - Han Solo and Ackbar

Who does not love Star Wars? Who of us can not say that they have never warned someone by slurring, "it's a trap?" Feast your visual receptacles on some Star Wars inspired Haikus and cartoons.

Higgs boson Creates Reality from Fiction

CERN making big announcements on the “god particle”, the church going into conclave to decide on a new pope; no we are not in a Dan Brown novel, this is reality imitating fiction. Yesterday scientists at CERN confirmed the existence of the Higgs boson, which could potentially be used to explain the Big Bang Theory. What are the implications in everyday life some may wonder? Well for starters, now instead of claiming you are going to move to Canada or Australia every time your politician of choice fails to win an election, you can simply say I am going to grab myself a Higgs boson and start from scratch.

The next great question everyone seems to be asking is what’s next, and I have the answer. Why stop at the “god particle?” Now we as a people must go on to the find the next great unknown, the “clown particle,” also known as the Higgs bozo, which is responsible for creating balloon animals out of nothing. We live in exciting times indeed.

Viagara Ad Ideas

Viagara may be waning in the stiff competition for medical assistance, but I am sure it can rise again. All it needs to do is dip into the celebrity endorsement pool, and as a team player I am providing them with a head start.

Emperor Palpatine now has something to grin for as his self named "Death Star" is once again up and active

Tim Gunn says that a fertility faux pas is nothing to fret for

Sofia Vergara does not mind that a misspelling on a memo landed her this gig

PALINDROME POEM: Fool a Dog

Fool a dog
Stab no pets, stun
Flower a flog
Star paws loot guns

Deer feet up man oil
Lay or part-time deed
Emit trap royal
Lion amputee freed

Snug tool swap rats
Golf are wolf
Nuts step on bats
God aloof

SHORT STORY: Dragon Lance

The air was humid, the sun was setting, and my urges were setting in.  My animal instinct was taking over; I was on the prowl.  It seemed like ages since my last encounter, my last touch, and my desire was peaked.  I knew my best chances of meeting a willing partner were greater if I headed to the local watering hole.

I had no expectations of meeting anyone special, just meeting a willing partner.  What I did not expect was to see the finest sauropod I have ever laid my eyes on.  I true deceptive beauty, sipping up water, paying no mind to me as I casually strolled by.  At first I admired her grace, caressing the water surface with her lips as to not leave any ripples, but my attention was soon diverted to her perfect form.  From her petite lips the water traveled down her long slender neck.  A neck long enough to ensure no high leaf went untried; a truly magnificent specimen for her species.

And her skin, looked as smooth as a fine leather wallet.  Her complexion was radiant, as fair as the scales of justice, but as supple as the feathery fluff of a gosling.  My eyes traversed her body as I made my way down to her tail, which was as lengthy as the whip needed to put me in my place; I was indeed smitten.

I knew she would not only do for the night, but she was likely to be the one every male dreams to settle down with.  I grunted viscerally to grab her attention, a pickup line that had high success rates.  She lifter her head slowly form the water, allowing droplets to form around her mouth, which leisurely trickled down to her collar where is met her broad powerful shoulders.

She shot me a glance, a glance that I was more than familiar with; she was interested.  She did not waste anytime; perhaps she had intentions as well while visiting the waterhole, as she lunged at me.  With no intentions to find a secluded place for privacy we expressed ourselves in the open for all to see.  Completely negligent to if an audience was present or not, we let ourselves go as our skin pressed tightly together and our necks entwined.  We both roared in the moment, and with thunderous crashes echoing through the air, I would not be surprised if others claimed to feel the earth shake.

When all was said and done I took a few steps back and faded off into the foliage.  I knew that she was something special, but I could not help my instinct of solitude.  I did not look back, nor do I think she did, it was just a moment of passion that took hold of us.  I still can not help but think of her, but the more I think of the encounter the more of worry.  She seemed too eager, perhaps I was being used to unknowingly fertilize eggs; but I am not ready to be a father.  She also seemed too willing, perhaps she had done this many, many times before; I should see the shaman and get inspected for dino-sores.

HAIKUS: Street Fighter - Balrog and Sagat

Haikus dedicated not only to the greatest fighting game of all time, Street Fighter, but we also got some Lord of the Rings thrown into the mix. You really can not go wrong; keep 5-7-5 alive!

AMBIGRAMS: Hulk and Spiderman

Marvel at these amazing and incredible feets of wordplay in the form of Ambigrams. Simply look at them upside down and see that the secret identity of SPIDERMAN is PETER PARKER, and that THE HULK truly is Lou FERRIGNO.

SPIDERMAN / PETER PARKER

FERRIGNO / THE HULK

PALINDROME POEM: The Haiku

Tennis Animals
Part No Spin Pop Nips on Trap
Slam in a Sin Net

The Original Teeboing

Although devout Christian and Floridian native, Tim Tebow, has been credited with the ongoing craze of "Tebowing", it was truly the devout nature worshipers and Endorian native, Teebo, who brought "Teeboing" to a head. As per usual, the tree dwellers were pushed to the background, but do not let this injustice live...ROCK OUT WITH YOUR EWOK OUT!

President Obama joins the Teeboing Craze

Fabio appreciates a fellow loincloth aficionado

Teebo Toying Around

SHORT STORY: Zombie Mine Forever

I look across at her and can’t help but ask myself why she loves me so. I know it can not be for my brains because of what I have left they are practically useless to us. Could it be my looks? I do not think she would be that superficial, she really has a one track mind with no room to stray; plus I will humbly admit that I have not so easy on the eyes as of late.

What then? My ability to procure food, or maybe my ability to take care of her? But I know she would get along just the same without me, it is just the truth in the way it is. Could it be the fact that our love is a force that could not be stopped; save fire or perhaps a large set of stairs? No, these silly thoughts are just lingering sentiments of a life once had; do they truly matter? In the grand scheme of things I admit that there is no point, and to compound that I am not sure how much longer until comprehensible thoughts will subside.

Should I just let it be? I know my love for her is strong, and she is still by my side. Who cares as long as we are together, right? I will express my love in the form of a kiss. Actually, I think I will wait until she stops noshing on that arm; I am sated and can not eat another bite. Well that is assuming that she will offer, but for some reason she has been becoming a little more food aggressive. Was it something I did? I do not think so. I am just grateful that she is so transparent. I mean I can practically see through her right into her heart.

Wait, what day is it? Is it our anniversary? Is that why she is being so cold, or is just that we are no longer warm blooded? No, I think it is our anniversary, or at least in the close proximity of. I should surprise her and take her someplace nice; perhaps a neurologist? That will show her that I still care, and that I still think about her even amid everything that is going on.

She looked up at me; her pale eyes still as captivating and breathtaking as when they were once blue; and while we still had breaths to be taken away. The connection is still strong, it’s still there. She discards the limb that she was gnawing on and clunkily slides a bit closer. I extend my arms for the embrace and she leans in. I hold her tight and I lay a kiss upon her cheek. I squeeze and then I feel her squeeze back. She is now nibbling on my ear; she still loves me.

Obama: The Great Uniter

In 2009 President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, but then once again on March 1, 2013 President Obama proved that he truly deserved the honor bestowed upon him. No other man can think outside the box like the leader of the free world and bring people together who were once at a war for irreconcilable differences. With one simple phrase he had done it and changed history as we know it, and that phrase of course was his use of the term “Jedi mind meld.”

Of course, at first, many wrote this off as misspeaking, or simply being out of touch with Jedi mind tricks from Star Wars, and the Vulcan mind meld from Star Trek, but after a deep analysis, his intentions were revealed. Much like the hostility between Sunni and Shiite, and Republicans and Democrats, it was thought that fans of Star Wars and fans of Star Trek would never join together under one communal sci-fi fandom…until those words were uttered and President Obama revealed that the tension makes him Sith to his stomach.

Fans all over the world rejoiced when they realized that we are not all that different after all. Science fiction does not have to be the choose one fantasy galaxy and abhor the rest world as it once was; there can be enough love in one’s heart for both. Was it not the wisdom of the great Obi-Wan Picard as he spoke the infamous words, “do or do not, and prosper?” And we can, and we will, do just that. We shall do by finding peace amongst us, and we shall do not by abandoning hatred, and we shall all prosper from the peace that will reign down upon us all from the shared Star’s of both.

Now that the olive branch has been extended by the President and put the motions into actions, the world can set their lightsabers to stun and hug your brother in fiction. Let this hatred put on the redshirt and die out like planned. Do not let yourself get Fett up any more about which of the worlds is superior. Join together with me and President Obama and utter the words, “Yes We Vulcan,” so that we can find this New Hope.

President Obama made First Contact and put the pressure on the world to follow through to rid it from the plague of his personal Nemesis; hatred. If Star Wars and Star Trek fans can find the common ground, then why can’t political parties follow suit? Why can’t religious parties waive the white flag and invite one another over for their respective and respected holidays? Let a Capulet marry a Montague, let the three horns play with the long necks, and for heaven’s sake let’s stop the violence erupting between Team Edward and Team Jacob. President Obama may not have said these exact words but I think I can interpolate from what he did say to take the liberty to paraphrase and it went something like this…”My fellow American’s, ask not what differences lie in Star Wars or Star Trek, but let us enjoy them both, and regardless of how deep your obsession dwells, can’t we all agree that we are still better than Harry Potter fans?”

God bless America, and Star Wars, and Star Trek.