Dan and the Banocanut

All over the internet my name can be found alongside the name 'Banocanut' and for those curious of how my name and the name of this hybrid fruit became synonymous, here is the tale...

The Origins and The Banocanut

The being that is the Banocanut has a remarkable story of how if came to be.  Way back when, in the times of just banana's and just coconuts, there was a banana, and a coconut.  Each lived separate lives, not aware of each others existence.  The banana was a singular, plain fruit, with nothing special about it.  It did not stand out in a bunch, nor did it have any aspirations.  The coconut was a recluse vagabond, rolling from beach to beach in search of good times.

One fateful evening, during a harsh storm, the coconut sought refuge in what looked to be an abandoned cave.  Meanwhile, up on a tree, a hungry cantaloupe braved the weather, climbed a tree, and plucked the banana form his home.  The cantaloupe then dragged the kidnapped banana back to the cave where the coconut just so happened to be resting.  The malicious melon intended to devour the banana, snarled its fangs.  Witnessing the display from the shadows, the coconut came to the banana’s rescue and lunged himself at the cantaloupe.  The two skirmished, until one of the fruits laid slain.  The coconut was the victor, but did not do so without taking nearly fatal wounds.

The banana, eternally grateful vowed to restore the coconut to health and carried it into the storm.  The banana traveled the two of them for miles up a mountain, where he knew a mystic who could mend the coconuts ailments.  Upon reaching the top, as destiny beholds, the two were struck down by the awesome power of electricity that is lightening.  As the two burnt, they because fused together, and emerged as one ever powerful entity.  Thus was the birth of the Banocanut.

Since then, the Banocanut has traveled many worlds spreading tales of wonder and joy.  As the tale is told, the Banocanut is no longer in existence, but did not die.  It merely faded off into the backgrounds of history and became a powerful idea.  It laid dormant until one day a young engineer by the name of Dan stumbled into a well.  In the well, Dan called out for whoever could help him, but no one answered, no one, except the Banocanut.  The Banocanut materialized in front of the humans eyes and astounded, the Banocanut lifted Dan to safety.  Thankful, Dan opened up his mind and allowed the Banocanut to enter his brain, making itself a permanent resident.  To this day the three of them work in wonderment providing spiritual guidance to all who seek it.

Fighting Poverty

Poverty is a growing problem in the world and it is the civic responsibility to put an end to it once and for all before it is too late.  This growing problem strikes fear into the hearts of the wealthy, and slowly consumes those in the middle class.  Evidence of the problem roams the streets, with Poverty’s legion of rouge wanders…the homeless.  That is where Poverty’s true power lies, within the hearts of the millions of hobo inhabitants of our cities.  It is with this knowledge that we can actually stand up to fight against Poverty, but disarming its minions, we will leave it vulnerable for the final blow.

We must destroy the homeless.  We must band together with pride in our wallets and strip them of the only thing they have left.  This quest is not a walk in the park however, because they currently claim rights to that land.  We must be well armed and properly vaccinated to reduce threat of disease.  Studies performed by scientists and doctors alike have all ended with the same conclusion; the most effective weapon against the homeless are lasers.  A high powered light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation forceful enough to cut the bums in half like melted butter will prove useful.  These coherent beams of photons will be our closest allied, but the destitute have also become armed over the years.  Their weapons are slightly less sophisticated, but nonetheless dangerous.  We must be weary of homeless weapons such as change cups, boxes, shopping carts, and rocket-propelled grenades.

Another factor that must be considered when fighting the homeless is they are all vampires.  Most wealthy vampires prey on the street homeless when their feeding time arises, thus building a band of vampiric battling bums.  The homeless are not as easily defeated as the common vampire however.  Garlic has no effect on them because the aroma of garlic is overpowered by the stench of their being.  Steaks also have no effect, because most homeless have no hearts.  Holy water does work however, as does any water.  Water splashed on the homeless reveals their true selves as it washes away their mask of filth.  This almost immediately transforms them into a right thinking individual again.  It is at this moment to strike them with the laser.

Half eaten sandwiches must also be in full supply when the battle ensues.  The half eaten sandwiches will be tossed at the homeless to cause diversions allowing time for attack and regroup.  The homeless may not be picky about what they eat, but full sandwiches must not be used.  The homeless are wise to many tricks, they are survivors, and if they see a full sandwich thrown at them they will know it’s a trap and fill with rage at the thought of wasted food.  This can be a devastating blow to our forces, because a hungry enraged homeless fighter delivers 47% more damage with each strike.

Once the homeless forces have been reduced, the Poverty power will drop to unimaginable levels, revealing an opportune chance to strike.  If this chance is missed it could mean total devastation to all.  The strike to Poverty must be precise.  Once its heart is revealed a single slice of Swiss Cheese must be laid out in the sun for 3 hours and then placed on the palm of the left hand of Poverty.  This will cause Poverty to transform into Povomitron the Destroyer of the Stars.  Many of our forces will abandon the cause at the site of Povomitron, but we only need a select few to carry out the remainder of the mission.  We must politely say the following words…”Povomitron, Destroyer of the Stars, in our time we have seem plight and plague, please leave us be and take Morgan Freeman as a peace offering.”  No being would be able to refuse that offer, hence saving the world as we know it from Poverty once and for all.

*Disclaimer – no homeless were harmed in the writing of this.  The homeless are human beings, and they don’t have any homes.

SHORT STORY: The Shampoo Debacle

Chester looked at his long and luscious locks of blonde in the mirror, as was his usual ritual when faced with the passing of anything reflective. A true Adonis, he thought to himself and smiled, but after a long day of tennis against the partners, his pride and joy seemed slightly more greased than his liking would allow. Chester ached for a thorough wash, rinse, repeat cycle, although he knew Penelope, his model of a wife and greatest trophy to be held, liked him a little rugged, manly, and greasy; just natural instincts and rules of attraction.

Regardless of his wife’s wants and desires, this oily buildup on his fabulous follicles was simply unacceptable and to push the envelope of the cleanse even closer to the edge, Penelope had picked up, at his request, a special shampoo to add some extra bounce to his hair, which he was convinced was thinning due to the natural progression of aging.

Chester prepared himself for his shower by fetching his new cleanser, placing his robe snuggly around his well maintained figure, and distributing rose petals generously about the polished tiles leading up to the tub. Chester followed the flowery path he laid, then reached in and set the water temperature to his desired level, and waited a moment for his wish to be achieved. With a simple hand test Chester confirmed that the water was to his liking and he stepped out of his satin garment and into the waterfall.

Chester’s normal hygiene activities under the rushing and calming waters of the shower included body, hair, and face, in that order, but today he was unable to contain his excitement for his new product and bumped hair to the top of the order. Squeezing a generous helping into his hand and lathering with his other, as per the instructions, the sudsy foam was ready to apply. Chester’s hands ran through his soaked strands and he massaged his scalp; upon feeling the tingling sensation brought on by the shampoo, Chester deemed that whatever price Penelope paid to be well worth it.

Chester closed his eyes and let the relaxation of it all become him as he felt the tingling drop down his neck and fall over his shoulders. Odd, he thought, there should be no tingling there as he made daily efforts to ensure no unsightly body hair covered any part of him other than his golden treasure atop his head, but the tingling persisted and continued its downward journey.

Chester stepped back in utter shock and nearly slipped out of the basin when this dripping reached his thigh and took an unexpected u-turn; it was now going north and appeared to have a mind all it’s own; a mind with intentions. Chester spun around without thinking, mimicking a dog chasing its own tail, and then once he gave it the proper seconds thought, turned just his neck to investigate what was happening; all the while in hysterics. The suds of the shampoo were popping and reforming violently like a ferociously clean blob, and these bubbles were indeed traveling.

Chester let out a yelp of shock as he identified the shampoo’s clear path; his firm buttocks. His eyes went wild in a panic as he had no plan of action; how could he have a plan? Who plans for this scenario? It was becoming more forceful and demanding and Chester retook to spinning around haphazardly searching for something, anything to help him from being violated; then it hit him. A droplet of water from the spray struck his back and caressed down his curves until it met with the suds, causing them to retreat immediately. Of course, wash it off, he snapped and then put his plan into action right quick, washing away the shame of the shower, just as the bathroom door swung open; allowing the steam a chance to taste freedom.

“Chester?” Penelope called in with worry in her voice. “I heard you cry out in terror.”

“The shampoo,” Chester clamored for the words as he dropped out of the shower and curled up on the floor, sopping wet, and with his prized hair matted to his head. “It was trying to…trying to…”

“To what?” Penelope asked with a growing concern.

“It seemed alive,” Chester stared off blankly at the wall and his voice trailed off before turning his gaze to his wife. “This wasn’t the volumizing shampoo I asked for; was it?”

“Oh volumizing,” Penelope let her jaw drop in surprise riddled with embarrassment. “I thought you asked for sodomizing.”

HAIKUS: Staw Wars - Han Solo and Ackbar

Who does not love Star Wars? Who of us can not say that they have never warned someone by slurring, "it's a trap?" Feast your visual receptacles on some Star Wars inspired Haikus and cartoons.

Higgs boson Creates Reality from Fiction

CERN making big announcements on the “god particle”, the church going into conclave to decide on a new pope; no we are not in a Dan Brown novel, this is reality imitating fiction. Yesterday scientists at CERN confirmed the existence of the Higgs boson, which could potentially be used to explain the Big Bang Theory. What are the implications in everyday life some may wonder? Well for starters, now instead of claiming you are going to move to Canada or Australia every time your politician of choice fails to win an election, you can simply say I am going to grab myself a Higgs boson and start from scratch.

The next great question everyone seems to be asking is what’s next, and I have the answer. Why stop at the “god particle?” Now we as a people must go on to the find the next great unknown, the “clown particle,” also known as the Higgs bozo, which is responsible for creating balloon animals out of nothing. We live in exciting times indeed.

Viagara Ad Ideas

Viagara may be waning in the stiff competition for medical assistance, but I am sure it can rise again. All it needs to do is dip into the celebrity endorsement pool, and as a team player I am providing them with a head start.

Emperor Palpatine now has something to grin for as his self named "Death Star" is once again up and active

Tim Gunn says that a fertility faux pas is nothing to fret for

Sofia Vergara does not mind that a misspelling on a memo landed her this gig

PALINDROME POEM: Fool a Dog

Fool a dog
Stab no pets, stun
Flower a flog
Star paws loot guns

Deer feet up man oil
Lay or part-time deed
Emit trap royal
Lion amputee freed

Snug tool swap rats
Golf are wolf
Nuts step on bats
God aloof